When a magazine asked four top-level women executives about strategies for obtaining a raise, the advice was uniform: ask for it. A tough broad who is also a professor in New England makes the same claim and suggests that this tactic is how she reached the place she is right now. Advice books (e.g., Lean In) might seem common-sensical except that the suggestions often work. Maybe it's not knowing what to do but rather realizing that you can or should do it. Instead of thinking I could keep warm by huddling around my smoldering resentment, I met with my supervisor. I told him all the things I was doing and explained that I felt there should be financial recognition for my skills, exertions and conscientiousness. The result was a couple extra thousand in my annual pay. Equally valuable was the reminder that making desires explicit may be all that is required to realize a goal.
It puzzles me that such reminders are even necessary. After all these years, I feel I have had as much success for making the ask as anybody else. The poet Taylor Mali came to my conference and had his time paid for by my dean – because I asked. The faltering professional association that wanted assurances that their conference I was hosting would generate desired registration dollars – I asked for and received the legendary lobster costume. Admittedly, not all of my asks turn out as I intended. But even that can work out okay. Friday night I bumped into one of the 5 young women who decided to go to Cape Town a few years ago even though my dean and his henchman made it impossible for me to chaperone their trip. In this case, the failed ask resulted in a great story, one that I gleefully and tearfully recounted to my innocent companions.
This all changes when the asking involves someone new and unfamiliar. For example, if I was interviewing for a job and had to make the ask for a particular salary, it's not so easy predicting how that might go. We had a fine candidate last spring who made her ask too early in the day and pretty much tanked as a result. Also, there are situations where the ask is all or nothing. If I receive a "no" (or worse yet NO reply) then there is no recourse. If that's an important ask, then the fear of "no" can almost overwhelm the prospects of even repairing the ask. But then again, regrets are by-products of never taking chances. Happily, a recent ask elicited this warm response:
It is fascinating to me how roads intersect and how small of a world it is. Your conference sounds fascinating, and I'm looking forward to exploring the website. I would be happy to share any of my experiences that would be considered helpful.
Maybe there would be another way to have broached this without surreptitiously buying crafts via Etsy as a prelude. Frankly, the images of goofy yellow bag-heads on the opposite coast made for a very satisfying story. As a result, deciding to make the ask felt less risky. Had I been turned down, this would have become a tale about oafishness proving to be my undoing. THAT moral will have to wait for another day. Now we just have to negotiate a decent venue at the right time and the rest will fall into place. Don't believe me? Just ask.
